Mwrraarrr!

Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

Happy Halloween.

Depression

i think i've got the blues. this isn't good for someone who is already on anti-depressants. the job stress really has me worried. i was looking at the medical bills today, i've been trying desperately to keep current on all of them, and i thought, 'oh god. what if i lose my job?' In this economy, I don't know how easy it would be for me to find a job FAST. I'd be overqualified for much of what is in Stillwater, but also, I just don't know if I have the energy to do the 8-5 thing again. i've been so spoiled by working in a gym, then setting my own hours, that it would/will be major upheaval to go back to a "normal" schedule, "normal" work attire, "normal" boss breathing down my neck. UGH. the mere thought of it has me terrified.

My boss told me of a job coming up but I don't think I want it. I fluctuate between being angry and wanting to quit because how dare they not thing my job is important? and being desperate and wanting to plead to keep it. I have imaginary conversations with members of the board where I basically tell them to stick it. the reality of course is that we can't afford for me to tell anyone to stick it.

I'm open to working elsewhere, but if I'm able to stay with SMC it's better for my retirement. I'll be fully vested at seven years, which is only about 18 months from now.

Anyway, I'm just depressed and stressed and still not feeling 100%. We came home from Kaia's doc appointment today and snuggled into the guest bed and took a two-hour nap.

Oh the suckage

Let me recap the past 8 days or so.

After finding out I'm probably going to be unemployed, I took a couple days off. Woke up with ear pain, went to Tulsa anyway and was in tears by the time I was driving home. Had an infected ear drum and ear canal. excruciating pain. Got drugs and drops, the pain went away but it's still clogged and I can't hear a damn thing.

Thursday morning, Kaia woke up puking all over Cory. Over and over. She was fine through the day, then puked on me that night, over and over. Woke up Friday with more of the same. It is heartbreaking when a baby throws up like that. There's just nothing you can do to make it better. We took her to the walk-in clinic to make sure she wasn't dehydrated and to see if there was anything we could give her. Nope. Just ride it out. So we did.

Saturday, she woke up in a good mood and didn't have any more trouble. by the time we got home from tulsa on Saturday, I wasn't feeling so well. In fact, as I was getting out of the car, i told Cory I felt woozy. 'bout two hours later, I was puking my guts up over and over. and over. i'm better today, though still half-deaf, and Cory is feeling woozy.

I feel like we can't get a break.

The Pickens Plan

A 2005 Stanford University study found that there is enough wind power worldwide to satisfy global demand 7 times over — even if only 20% of wind power could be captured. Building wind facilities in the corridor that stretches from the Texas panhandle to North Dakota could produce 20% of the electricity for the United States at a cost of $1 trillion. It would take another $200 billion to build the capacity to transmit that energy to cities and towns. That's a lot of money, but it's a one-time cost. And compared to the $700 billion we spend on foreign oil every year, it's a bargain.

I joined the community for the Pickens Plan. Like the man or not, he has enough money to actually make a change in the way things are done. If you're interested, visit the site and read about his plan. I honestly believe we've got to stop sitting around waiting for other people to do something about our world.

I've never been one to tout "Oh, I can't imagine bringing a baby into this world..." but honestly, having Kaia has made me think more about the future more than I ever did before. If there is something we can do, we should do it.

New

Things she's doing now:

• coming up on all 4s. crawling is imminent!
• eating solids, though still not very well. but she tried chicken tonight for the first time. Ick. Cory called it chicken pudding.
• babbling non-stop!
• having fun with bathtime. and we haven't even introduced toys yet!
• gets totally excited when we go to pick her up at daycare
• laughing! finally! we went for a walk with her in the backpack the other day and she just giggled the whole time. it was awesome!

Say it ain't so

Today goes down as one of the worst days in recent history. Don't fret, the little one is great. Sound asleep in her little pack n play, and she ate great today, too. Anyway, my bad day was all work-related.

Monday, I was supposed to meet with my boss's boss but I went home sick. After all day in the wind on Sunday and all morning in the rain at the farmers' market, my body revolted. So anyway, the meeting was rescheduled for Wednesday, then rescheduled again for this morning at 9. I heard from my immediate boss that the VP in question was leaving, or was asked to leave, and not to put too much stock into what he had to say because he was bitter. I thought that a bit odd. Why would he want to meet with me then, just to bash SMC? Whatever. I figured he was going to tell me in person he was leaving, and to tell me that he had a job opening at the new place that I might be interested in. See how full of myself I am? It's a sickness. :) Anyway, I go in this morning and sit down. He starts by asking how I'm feeling, then gets right to the point...

"I can't in good conscience leave here without telling you what all is going on."

uh-oh. This doesn't sound good.

In a nutshell, he says my job is in question (not as to my quality of work but as to whether or not they can afford it) and that it is a topic of discussion at the board of directors retreat coming up in November. It's budget time, you see, and the board has to approve everything. Anyway, he goes on to tell me that it was also up in the air last year, but my immediate boss fought tooth and nail for me to keep it, as did he, so I survived. Thank goodness, else I would have been pregnant and jobless. Stress much?

He tells me that if it was him, he would get out fast because without any more commitment to my program than that, why bother? Do I really want to go through this year after year? My boss, though a little more positive that I'd survive any cuts, said I should keep my eyes and ears open for other opportunities and if something came up that I was interested in to go for it. She thinks this will blow over just as it did last time, but I'm a little with the VP on this one. Do I really want to stay in a job that is first on the cutting block every time the budget's in a pinch? The economy is in the shitter (thank you George Bush, thank you 9-11, thank you greedy, rich white bastards, thank you) and it will likely get worse before it gets better.

Thing is, it's probably about time for me to move on, get a better paying job with more responsibilities. But I don't want to. I like working 30 hours a week. I like my job. I like planning these events and working with kids and coordinating with the schools. I like my autonomy. There are jobs out there for a lot more money that I am qualified to do. But do I really want to get one? Maybe before Kaia, I was more driven to climb a ladder, make money, get power. But now? No. I like laid back. I like easy. I don't however enjoy being broke.

I guess it's time to grow up. Boo on that.

oh my gosh

Does anyone have a contact with the Burt's Bees people? Cuz I think a Burts Bees Baby campaign is in order...