Say it ain't so

Today goes down as one of the worst days in recent history. Don't fret, the little one is great. Sound asleep in her little pack n play, and she ate great today, too. Anyway, my bad day was all work-related.

Monday, I was supposed to meet with my boss's boss but I went home sick. After all day in the wind on Sunday and all morning in the rain at the farmers' market, my body revolted. So anyway, the meeting was rescheduled for Wednesday, then rescheduled again for this morning at 9. I heard from my immediate boss that the VP in question was leaving, or was asked to leave, and not to put too much stock into what he had to say because he was bitter. I thought that a bit odd. Why would he want to meet with me then, just to bash SMC? Whatever. I figured he was going to tell me in person he was leaving, and to tell me that he had a job opening at the new place that I might be interested in. See how full of myself I am? It's a sickness. :) Anyway, I go in this morning and sit down. He starts by asking how I'm feeling, then gets right to the point...

"I can't in good conscience leave here without telling you what all is going on."

uh-oh. This doesn't sound good.

In a nutshell, he says my job is in question (not as to my quality of work but as to whether or not they can afford it) and that it is a topic of discussion at the board of directors retreat coming up in November. It's budget time, you see, and the board has to approve everything. Anyway, he goes on to tell me that it was also up in the air last year, but my immediate boss fought tooth and nail for me to keep it, as did he, so I survived. Thank goodness, else I would have been pregnant and jobless. Stress much?

He tells me that if it was him, he would get out fast because without any more commitment to my program than that, why bother? Do I really want to go through this year after year? My boss, though a little more positive that I'd survive any cuts, said I should keep my eyes and ears open for other opportunities and if something came up that I was interested in to go for it. She thinks this will blow over just as it did last time, but I'm a little with the VP on this one. Do I really want to stay in a job that is first on the cutting block every time the budget's in a pinch? The economy is in the shitter (thank you George Bush, thank you 9-11, thank you greedy, rich white bastards, thank you) and it will likely get worse before it gets better.

Thing is, it's probably about time for me to move on, get a better paying job with more responsibilities. But I don't want to. I like working 30 hours a week. I like my job. I like planning these events and working with kids and coordinating with the schools. I like my autonomy. There are jobs out there for a lot more money that I am qualified to do. But do I really want to get one? Maybe before Kaia, I was more driven to climb a ladder, make money, get power. But now? No. I like laid back. I like easy. I don't however enjoy being broke.

I guess it's time to grow up. Boo on that.